last weekend: storyville

greetings, two chakras left to hit with Peter. it's been about a week ( plus ) of day on- day off intense sessions, in the chakra cleansing.

and it has been alot of things. if not atleast the most unique experience i have ever had. it feels like a scrubbing and a tear down. like seeming physically, perceptually whole- but having the inexplicable feeling of being a deflated balloon. hollow.

and it's dang odd.

but, when all is said and through, this last weekend, i will be a different person. which i can't deny i am absolutely ecstatic about. and i'm having a feeling of such eagerness and triumph- over languishing losses in the field of battle. it's been a true course for the ego, and the mind, and emotion.

and i wanted to remember what it would be like once i forget this way of being. and the strangest happiness comes over me- how the game can become convincing. the story is sublime and pulls you in without any hesitation.

i will be changed? different? how and if so- in what way?

will i feel different for the first time putting on the old pairs of socks?

i love wracking my brain over it. it's magical. it's really difficult at times to know where something is coming from. the thought, the sense of establishing space, of verifying you are real- at all. like trying to walk on slick ice.

and it really has got me thinking. watching my poor little ego diminish, writhe, and do it's job.

i'll bite, it really is an interesting melodrama. at the change of season. and i realized after really pushing myself to crack this wrong headedness, i was entering this same predictable sub- routine of my story- a drama always the same. because i was always the same. nothing was changing.

but- the point being, that i could see an author and a story.in my misguided sense of "reality". and being. just as i would have written it. and i recently came to observe that my creative works (poems, music, story) seem less polluted by my concept bound limited-ness- like maybe i found a way to connect with the infinite- while being so trapped. and while, i've got a unique relationship with my art, as do all artists, i honestly hoped that i was creating whole universes. i work it until it is living. and i let it tell me what it wants, and i combine that with the story i want to tell.

and i am just a character in a story we were creating. the IAM, yes, no?

well, the story character i seem to always write is just about a rather unremarkable person - atleast if one were to judge him only by his accomplishments. living a rather unremarkable life. and though one would easily miss him in a crowd, he would never be anywhere long enough to know ever- he was passing. and he lived that way for many years. and when it seemed that nothing would change, an unexpected event, a chance, would intervene and forever alter the edges of reality. and he would be transformed, leaving the world that made him, to live in a world made for him to be in. blah, blah, you get the idea.

there is a saying, i suppose we've all heard, when it comes to writing- something to the affect of: write what you know. well, i guess i know ego! hah-

i've been writing about my ego. and i've even been writing about groups like us, here, in TBE. quite by accident, most before i signed on. and i cant help but notice so many eerie similarities between my art and what has happened is happening.

of course, we are all the infinite, co-creating. it is just sometimes strange to see the cracks revealing themselves. and all of these ideas are swirling around me as my chakras are emptied and then, sometime this weekend, after they have all been worked on, i will be filled with light. and that's way cool.

all together i noticed a jewel among the odd states i've put myself through the past days, which surprises me. surprise- a strange idea by itself- given what we have unlearned here at TBE. but, that there is a part of me really still clinging to this "reality". this "storyville". when everything in me wants to let go, some part of me - i don't know where yet, maybe in the last 2 chakras- wants to pretend none of this real-is afraid. or has some energetic hangup manifesting as a resistance. and look at me doing it again- talking like any of this were real and that i had free will and worst of all- that i could control anything.

it's been a real roller coaster at time, but mostly- honestly, a joyous experience. and a treat. i wonder if i'll still feel this way after the chakra cleansing is complete. or if there will be some other work, meditation or alchemy down the road yet that allows me to release that. like it's all perfectly decided and planned out. like a story i wrote or want to be.

because i am a control freak. and it's a surprise for me to see that i didn't understand how bad it got in there (points inside). though there is no causality, the experience of being this avatar seems convinced of the need to control everything. though he realizes he can not. he must do so to prove his self worth- because he has none.

interesting, eh? the weekend is already over, this has already happened. but, for me the experience is just ahead. and i am so sacred- crazy i know- and so excited. 

me, in my thoughts.

"let it all go. take it all, take it all away."