he hides from himself within himself

i'm exasperated.

i have so much fear. so many insecurities. my ego craves so much drama. i lead myself to enjoy and become seduced by these un-ending levels of falsity. that i manufacture, that i cannot escape.

i'm asking for help. i want this game to end. i want these masks ripped off.

i became so enchanted by what i perceived to be my cleverness, just pathetic bullshit. i have these glimpses of One, of that ultimate Joy. then, the next day, the next hour, i am mired again. battling. battling what? my expectations? my desires? my need to be loved?

am i so mad at myself that all i can do is hate the world? that i can at times feel the Faketrix, and Love it for what it is, then curse it and myself?

i want to say i know better. but, the Truth is, i don't. at best, i can say, i am informed. because Knowing, for me, means there is nothing to question anymore. that returning to my old ways, will not happen, because i am simply beyond it. and i'm not. at least it seems so.

even in these words, i do feel lost.  because i can hear that voice, i feel that presence, that part i want to be joined with. to truly experience. not this withdrawn and shallow existence this avatar seems to be only capable of. and what am i saying? i'm confused. is this not my script to be such? and also to want it removed?

i can't see beyond my own bullshit anymore. even after all i have experienced here, all i have felt and witnessed. i'm being disingenuous, even now. because i haven't done all i can do. i could read the vast library of forum posts, and i started to before writing this, i am certain they would help me so much. i should meditate more, make mindfulness of One my only activity, not a hobby. Be more mindful and respectful of the alchemy.

so many things i start to do, and i procrastinate. this, i hate about myself. this procrastination, for me, is my curse. i remember that - i try to understand that this is a process and that all is perfection. but, it's hard for me to see procrastination- but as a failure.

i caught myself thinking today- these limiting thoughts and naked feelings that are so self adoring with victimization- and i thought- i'm feeling sorry for myself.

Why in the hell am i feeling sorry for myself? i know this is my meego. he had these dreams, these hopes, these aspirations, that after one day, when all of the crap that had been holding me back for all these years would be lifted, i would be free. and the world would see who i really was.

how i was great, awesome. that after all of the shit of my life - i would be vindicated. and even now, wisps of console flood me, it's all just a simulation. it's meaningless. it doesn't exist.

so many parts of me resist letting go. and i have not done enough to bade them to at last Just Let Go.

i am feeling sorry for myself.

and that goes against everything this site stands for. that need for your love, for your validation- that game i constantly play to be accepted. to feel apart of something. to over compensate for my so many inadequacies. that any of you ever bought any of my bullshit.

i've been only fooling myself. wanting to believe the person i always wanted to be was possible. cause i could fake it. fake it like it was real. be authentically inauthentic.

and i am tired of this game. i know it makes no sense to say this, but why hold back now? i feel as if i have let you all down.

i shake my head in disgust at my own games. doing my little tricks, i want this game to fucking end! i don't know what i was ever really looking for. i guess i just started to enjoy this vision of an endless journey of wandering and never being accountable or belonging to anything. being for anything.

like i could become a great artist if i was fucked up enough. and i could find a way to express something so beautiful that it would make up for my whole life and the asshole i have become.

that i would create the perfect lie. so perfect it could masquerade as the Truth and i would be hoisted on the shoulders of greater people than i, for they would be in awe.

but, i can't allow this. i can't allow this to continue. this weird splitting of self that my script has designed. that my ego, that i have created. this house of mirrors, of misdirection, of well, just bullshit.

i am full of fear. today, i was shaken. by my own casual frenetic self concern. this mix mash of detachment and obsession, i want to know where i fit in this story. i don't know.

i'm twisted. i faked it for as long as i could. but, now i see, that of course, i can not do this on my own. and i must stop procrastinating. i know that a deepening understanding of One, of Truth- to feel this writhing, this frustration, this anger, this confusion- has nothing to do with that process. it's all ego. all of it.

these masks must be removed. i fear i may have become too good a liar to myself to not stop here and plead that they be removed. this is just ridiculous. i no longer want to create this self inflicted pain.

i have been that person, that sometimes we talk about in the forum. the one too afraid to say the wrong thing and get hammered. that i might not say anything at all. or tip toe around difficult topics lest i reveal the fraud i so deeply am. i am done with this!

i am vain.

i am a liar.

i try to buy other people affections.

i use others by masquerading as a helping force in their lives.

i have issues with sexual orientation.

i have distrust of others especially authority figures.

i abandon that which challenges my world view.

i am reluctant to change, though claim to embrace change.

i want to be a hero.

i am arrogant.

i am extremely judgemental, though claim not to be.

i've prided myself on my intelligence, but have dismissed it. and honestly, a lot of what is talked about here is just over my head. or at least, i have a hard time grokking.

most likely because it has to deal with Love. because some part of me, probably most of the avatar me just is so resentful and hurt in regards to being hurt by those i've Loved, that i reject it.

i reject Love, or maybe i just look down upon it.

cause i am an elitist prick. really condescending at times. maybe all the time.

my avatar, this chance, has become all that i revile.

i hate myself.

none of this makes sense to me. yet, i do it.

i'm trying to think of anything else i might be trying to hide, that i know so many of you can see. i'm tired of this. this game. i want to move past it.

i want these masks removed.

these shallows, these ambitions, these egos.

i've felt pretty high and mighty at times, just goes to show that those who think this of themselves are among the lowest. and no, i'm not asking for sympathy. please, rip me apart. i desperately need it.

even though, i fear the reprisal. this has gone on for far too long.